just when we thought it was over

It was an absolute roller coaster of emotions going through the fertility process.  We would go into one month with high hopes and the next they would be dashed with devastating news of a failed ovulation.  We thought once we got pregnant, the worry would be over...not quite!  I had a doctor's appointment 2 weeks ago to "confirm" the pregnancy.  I got a call the next morning from a nurse saying that my ultrasound had come back negative.  She informed me that it "most likely" is an ectopic pregnancy and that I needed to go get blood work to rule that out.  


For those that do not know what an ectopic pregnancy is, it is where the egg implants anywhere other than the uterus.  This can be a life threatening condition if not caught in time.  Talk about scaring me to death.  


She then told me that I need to go in every other day and get blood work done to out rule an ectopic pregnancy.  The last day of my bloodwork, I got a another call from the nurse explaining that everything has come back normal and that I needed to have another ultrasound done just to make sure.  This morning, I went in not exactly sure what to expect...I tried not to get my hopes up.  Well, GREAT NEWS!!!  THERE IS A BABY!!!! and it is growing right where it should be growing.  Hopefully no more stress...knock on wood!!

feels good to let it out

Well, this weekend went off like a bang!!  We got in to our hometown on Friday at around 10 pm and we asked for both families to meet over at my parents' to open birthday presents.  They were curious, of course, why the presents couldn't wait until later, but they had no clue what was about to happen!!  Once they opened the the presents and saw the frames, they were ecstatic.  I went over and plugged them in, and they were even more excited to see pictures already loaded on the frames.  Both of the mothers were holding the frames and after the first picture, they looked up and started talking about the particular picture that came up.  They completely missed the second picture which was the pregnancy test!!!  However, the next picture, which read "You're Going to be Grandparents" caught their eyes.  Everything went completely silent.......... I was standing there next to Hubby just waiting for someone to say something, when my dad looked up and said, "Really?!?!"  At that point, the parents and my sister jumped up and started hugging us.  All of a sudden Hubby's youngest brother shouts out, "what's going on??"  Both brothers were thrilled when they found out they were going to be uncles, talking about who is going to teach the baby what sport!  It could not have been better...although I wish we would have had a video camera!!!

The news didn't stop there!  As soon as we got back home, we had plans to tell some of our closest friends. We were relatively open with our fertility journey, but there were certain people that knew everything.  Aside from family, these people were the only ones that knew of our plans to adopt.  We knew that we couldn't keep the news from them!!  On Monday, we got to share the news with our close friends from college.  Hubby almost messed this up for us.  He had told them that we wanted to get together when we got back home and that we had something to tell them.  She had called me that morning to ask what was going on, and I had to tell a tiny fib!  I told her that Hubby was just messing with her, and she seemed disappointed that we didn't have any news!  I felt bad, but it was for a good reason!!  When we got over there, she was still curious until I told her that we really had no news.  We went on with our usual night of card games, until, in the middle of a hand, I said, "Oh yeah!  By the way, I am pregnant!!"  She jump up screaming and saying "I knew it" over and over again!  It couldn't have went better!  The second group of special friends to share the news with was our Bible study group.  They, too, knew that we were starting the adoption process.  When it came time for prayer requests, we kept silent until the end.  When asked if there were any other requests, we said that we had something to say.  I started off telling them that we were planning on holding off on the adoption process.  I got some very puzzling looks.  Then I said, "um...the reason is....we are pregnant."  I think the whole group, like our family, just sat there for, what seemed like, FOREVER!!  Finally, one of the girls stood up and gave me a hug...the tears came pouring!!

It could not have been any better!  We got to share the best news with the most special people!  It just melts my heart to think how each of these people have impacted my life, and I know that each of person will share a special part in our child's life.

about to burst

This weekend, we are driving back home for a birthday party.  My in laws are both turning 50 in the next few weeks and my mother's birthday is the 2nd of December.  We thought...what could be a more perfect present than to tell them we are expecting!?  It is luck that the positive test and the birthday weekend are so close.  I think I would have burst keeping a secret like this much longer.  The plan is to have the parents open up digital picture frames at the same time.  Among various pictures of us, we are putting a picture of the positive pregnancy test along with the words "You're Going to be Grandparents!"  Hopefully all goes as planned!  Wish us luck!!

mums the word

The weekend has come and gone, and boy was it a total whirlwind of emotions!!  It was Halloween weekend, so we had a lot of activities planned, starting with handing out candy to the neighborhood children.  I just wanted to shout it out down the street, "we're going to be parents!!!!" And then there was the trick-or-treaters....every adorable baby that was carted to the door by their parents, I just thought, next year, this will be me next year!!  We also had a party that Hubby's co-worker was throwing.  I had become pretty good at making excuses when asked if I want a drink, but now, I have the ultimate excuse, and I can't use it!  Then to top the weekend off, we had church on Sunday.  I am good at keeping secrets, but to keep a secret like this from our friends who knew all of our struggles to conceive.......that was just torture!  I just want to tell someone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so excited and nervous.  I don't think the whole idea that I am pregnant has hit me.  In a couple hours, I have a doctor's appointment with my ob/gyn.  I am just so ready for that confirmation! Hopefully then, it will finally start to sink in!

shock

...is this really happening?!?!

Let me back up and explain.  I've been sick for the past couple weeks, doctor appointment after doctor appointment left me no where.  The doctor believed it was either some kind of infection, migraines, or an issue with my gallbladder.  I was talking with my mother about my symptoms (my sister had her gallbladder taken out a couple years ago).  She told me that it really did not sound like it was my gallbladder...it sounded like I am pregnant.  She, of course, knows all that Hubby and I have been through trying to start our family, and when I tell her that I'm not in any way pregnant, we move on in our conversation.  Well, she may have moved on, but that thought stayed in the back of my head.  That night I mentioned the conversation to Hubby, and I was shocked to hear him say, "well, why not take a test?"  We went to the drugstore and got a cheap 3-pack of pregnancy tests, and I told him I would take it in the morning.  Morning came and I took the test, and 2 minutes later, it came back with a very faint line.  You would think after all these years of trying that I would be rejoicing at the faint line and the posibility of that meaning it was positive...you would think, but no, I threw it away and thought no more about it.  However, 2 days later (today), I woke up and something just did not feel right.  I can't explain it, maybe it was a dream, I don't know, but something told me to take another test.  I went in the bathroom after Hubby left for work and took a test.  It turned positive right away...no faint line there, it was definitely positive!!!!!  I sat down at my computer to find a doctor that could get me in right away.  I just wanted confirmation from something other than a little plastic stick.  Of course, with today being Friday, I could not an appointment until Monday at the earliest.

I called Hubby and told him that I would be out running errands and I wanted to stop by and see him.  For the past 2 years I have had plans about how I would tell each person the special news when the time came.  Such a long time has past that I completely forgot how I was wanting to tell Hubby.  Well, I snapped a picture of the test with my phone before I left the house.  As I drove to his office, I was in a little but of shock and disbelief...I can't believe after 2 and a half years, after all of the medicine we have tried and all of the doctors we have been to, we did it on our own, with no help except from our Lord above!

Hubby walked out of his office and up to the car with a bit of a confused look on his face.  I just held out my phone with tears rolling down my cheek and the biggest smile on my face.  He looked up at me with, what I can only imagine, the same shock and disbelief that I had been experiencing all morning.  He then gave me the biggest hug I think I have ever been given.

Today has been an emotional, overwhelmingly crazy day, but a perfect day!  This is what we have been waiting so long for....I am going to be a mommy!!

home

Something occurred to me today, there is a reason we were put in Houston, although I still do not like living here!  The little town Hubby and I grew up in has little more than a small town hospital and a few family doctors.  Most people travel to the next town over which offers a little more in the medical field.  I know we did not have the luck we were hoping for at my reproductive doctor, but I try to imagine where we would be if we still lived back home.  Now that Hubby and I are looking into adoption, we are very fortunate that we have so many options of agencies and lawyers in the big city.  We most likely wouldn't have had so many options in our small town.

You never know why things happen the way they do until you look back.  God has the advantage of being all-knowing, and we have to put all of our faith and trust in Him.

a new hope

I have been MIA for a while.  There has been a lot of tears, hugs, and simply silence in this house these past couple weeks.  We now know that what we have been through is difficult, but it is not the end.

Adoption has always been on the back of our minds.  Off and on throughout these past couple years, Hubby and I have mentioned adoption, but it just remained a distant thought.  We never really thought it would be a possibility that we could not have children of our own, that is until last month.  


Recap: after fertility injections worked too well and produced too many follicles, the doctor told us that our only chance of having children of our own would be to undergo invitro fertilization, which we do not want to undergo.  It took both of us a couple weeks to get over that shock, but we finally came to the realization that this isn't just a possibility that should remain in the back of our minds...this is could be the only way we will ever be able to have children, a family through adoption.  Last month I had no hope and I hate to admit this, I lost a little bit of faith, but I need to put the negative behind me.  Realizing that, I now have that hope again...I will be a mother.

what now?

Sunday (day 4 of my injections): I had an appointment with the doctor to do an ultrasound. He just wanted to check the number and size of my follicles (the eggs in my ovaries) to see if I was progressing with the medication. Everything seemed to be fine. I had a good number of follicles but they were still a little small. I was told to continue with the medication and come back in two days. I went home and we continued on with our Labor Day vacation.

Tuesday (day 6 of my injections): I went to the doctor today to do another ultrasound and check my progress. The ultrasound technician said, "you're doing in vetro fertilization, correct?"

    |  Before I go on, in vetro fertilization (IVF) is where they take
    |  eggs from a woman and sperm from the man and make a baby
    |  in a laboratory setting. This is a very common procedure for
    |  infertile couples, however, it is just not for us.

I replied with a confused no and asked why. Her response knocked the breath out of me. She said "we have a problem" and continued with "I don't think you want to be the next big headline, giving birth to 8 babies."  Of course the doctor was in surgery and unavailable to talk with me, so my ovulation coordinator came out into the waiting room and sat next to me.  She said that it was probably premature for her to be telling me, but most likely our options were to do an IVF procedure or cancel the treatment.  I completely froze, but I didn't want to start crying in the waiting room.  It was honestly the worst moment in my life, I sat there and listened to this doctor tell me that it was over.  With a face of stone, I left the doctors office and ran out to the car.  I tried to call Hubby, but of course he wasn't answering his phone.  I know I cannot compare it to a miscarriage or losing a child, but that's how I felt (and still feel).  I feel like I just lost my child, or at least my chance of having a child.  It felt like the end of the world.  I know better than to doubt the Lord, but I did today.

not so wondrous woman

Day 1 of injections: 10 minutes to get up the courage.  Went off without a hitch.  I didn't even feel it!


Day 2 of injections: 15 minutes to get up the courage.  Again, it didn't hurt a bit!!


Day 3 of injections: 30 minutes to get up the courage.  Today I had to do two shots.  We had dinner plans, so I thought to myself, knowing that we had to be somewhere, I could get the shots done and over with in no time.  As Hubby waited in the living room, every so often he would tell me "we're going to be late!"  (he really was sweet about it in a ornery kinda way!) Needless to say, the pressure didn't help, and it took me even longer than the day before.  And of course, it still didn't hurt!  (I am not sure why it is taking me longer and longer to get up the courage.)

Day 4 of injections: 45 minutes to get up the courage...then I gave up and handed the needles over to Hubby.  I knew that it wouldn't hurt.  I had already done it four times for Pete's sake.  Nevertheless, every time I drew up the medication and got ready to plunge the syringe into my skin...I chickened out.  So no longer can I say "I told you so" to all of those people that told me I couldn't do it and that I was crazy for thinking I could.  Oh well, letting Hubby do it is a whole lot easier!

Day 5 of injections: Hubby is still giving me the injections.  And to be honest, I am perfectly fine with being a chicken and not doing it myself.  It is a lot easier this way!!  So, yes, I had to give in...but what can I say?  Needles are scary!!!

wonder woman

I started my injections today.  Everyone for the past couple of weeks have been telling me that I am crazy to try to do the shots on my own.  How can anyone stick themselves??  Well, I used these comments to give me the strength and the ability to give myself the injections.  Basically I just want to be able to say "I told you so!"

Well, shot one down, another 8 or so more to go.  And the best part....it didn't even hurt!  Just go ahead and call me Wonder Woman!  Actually, I didn't even feel the needle go in.  However, it did take me 10 minutes to get up the courage to do it.  But I will leave that part out when telling people!  Tomorrow should be a lot easier now that I know how easy it is.

Thank you Lord for getting me through this!!

finally getting somewhere

Today is the day...I can finally start to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I went to the doctor this morning and was given the go-ahead to start the ovulation medication!  I am so excited, and so scared.  I will start off taking oral medication, and in 3 days, I will start my injections...eek!

I have been trying to imagine how I would be feeling if we ever got to this point (there for a while, with all of the set backs, I was not sure if we would be able to continue with the fertility treatments).  I am excited, yet still nervous.  I think anxious would be a better word describe how I am feeling.  I know the Lord has been with us and has led us to this point.  And I am faithful that He will continue to be with us.

These next couple weeks are going to be a whirlwind of emotions.  I imagine a lot of writing.

serenity now

I went to the doctor today for an ultrasound.  The expectation was that medication I had been taking for the past 10 days would be doing it's job.  It didn't.....and all I can really say is Serenity Now!!!!

I am sure you have seen the episode of Seinfeld where this phrase was made famous.  Basically, one of the characters is told by his doctor to repeat the phrase "serenity now" when he is in a situation that would cause his blood pressure to rise.  However, instead of calmly repeating the phrase, he yells it, which I suppose defeats the purpose! 

I thought about this for awhile, and it actually makes since (when it is not being yelled!).  For those striving to have a child, emotions will get the best of you.  I will be walking through the grocery store, and around every turn it seems, there is a pregnant woman shopping.  Or those little comments you get from people, such as "well at least you can have fun practicing," or "you can have one of my kids anytime."  For me, a phrase like "serenity now" allows me to get through the moment when I feel like I just want to pull my hair out (or more often, climb under a rock and just bawl until I have no tears left).  

Reinhold Niebuhr wrote: 

God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change;
COURAGE to change the things I can; and WISDOM to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it:

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen 

Many times we go through life just knowing that we cannot make it through these trials and tribulations that have been placed before us.  However, God knows better than we do, and no matter how much we try to doubt Him, He will get us through those moments.  This knowledge, this faith and trust in the Lord, this is my serenity.

on the roller coaster to start a family

We have been trying to get pregnant for a little over 2 years.  It has been an incredibly difficult and emotional experience for both of us.  When we first started this journey, I thought we would find the problem and an answer quickly (that is the hope that the doctor gave me).  My gynecologist diagnosed me with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), and she told me that all I needed to do was kick start my body into ovulating.  "Take a pill on these days and you should be pregnant in no time."  My hope was so high...I thought for sure that I would be pregnant within a month, possibly 2.  3 months pass with no pregnancy.  The hope that I had just 3 months earlier was dwindling.

I decided to take matters into my own hands.  I had a diagnosis, so I did some internet research --Google is my best friend...although Hubby hates my research!--  Everyone on the internet who was suffering with fertility issues went to see a reproductive endocrinologist.  Well, the problem with this was that our insurance did not cover anything pertaining to fertility.  So, I thought, why not try going to a endocrinologist who does not deal specifically with infertility.  PCOS is a medical condition dealing with the endocrine system, so it made perfect sense to me!  I met with this doctor who confirmed my previous diagnosis, and I was put on a common medication for PCOS which regulated insulin.  I was told that this would give me a better chance of regulating my hormones so I could ovulate.  Another positive effect of the medication was weight loss.  I started dropping the weight instantly, about 25 pounds in 4 months!  I was ecstatic!  This was it, I had found the answer, and I just knew that I would be pregnant any month now!  I took this medication for 8 months, waiting and testing every month just sure that I was pregnant, and every month a big fat negative.  My hopes for a baby were fading once again.

It was exactly 2 years this June, and we were no closer to achieving that ultimate goal.  We decided that, insurance or not, we were desperate for the right answers.  Our next plan was to go to a reproductive endocrinologist.  Our first meeting with the doctor went well.  He was optimistic, but he did not give me a false hope like so many doctors had previously.  He handed us some papers and told us that we had a plan.  All I needed was some basic tests before we could start the new medication.  Little did we know that test after test would come back with negative results.  If it wasn't one thing, it was another.  Ultrasound after ultrasound, I was told that my body was just not yet ready for the medication.  This is where I am today....anticipating yet one more ultrasound.  Tomorrow morning, I will drive an hour to my doctor, sit in a waiting room with other women going through a similar experience, and wonder where my emotions will be when I leave the office.  I would like to say that I am getting use to the roller coaster that I have been on these past 2 years, but I do not think that anyone can get use to the feelings that I have been experiencing month after month.

Psalms 46:1 tells me that God is my refuge and my strength, and He will help me in my times of need.  I am fortunate that I have faith in Jesus, and while I cry tears of pain and heartache every day, I have a true hope in my Lord that will get me through this.

igniting the faith

I was blessed by coming to know Jesus at a very young age.  This helped me to go through childhood with a certain faith and hope, and I guess a little ignorance.  I always knew what I would grow up to be...a loving mother to 3 beautiful children.  That, and a loving husband, was all I have ever wanted.  When I hit adulthood, I was struck by the pain and hurt of not being able to achieve that long awaiting goal.

First, let me back up a bit.  While I am a Christian, and have been for as long as I can remember, I strayed like many Christians do.  While in college, it was not a priority to go to church or to read my Bible.  Even after Ryan and I were married, we would go to bed on Saturday night with our alarms set to go to church the next morning, but most of the time, sleeping in was more important.  About two year and a half ago, we decided that our behavior simply needed to change and we should find a church.  We started attending...although, irregularly.  It was about a year later that we started to realize that something was missing from our lives (it was also around this time that we started actively trying to conceive).  I don't think we realized it for a while at first, but the Lord was telling us that our lives needed to change.  It was then that we became members and full time attenders, we are even attending a weekly bible study.

The Lord knows what we need in our lives more than we do, few will say otherwise.  I thought everything was perfect: loving marriage, a good income, a house and all the stuff that we could want.  I just knew that a baby would come along just as easy as everything else in our lives.  Little did I know that God had other plans in store for us.  I believe what we really needed was a swift kick in the rear end!  Proverbs 16:1 says that we can make our plans, but the final outcome is in God's hands.  This is so true!  I believe the Lord's plan was to send a spark back into our relationship with Him, and ignite the faith that we let dwindle.  Now that I look back at our life, I don't think we were ready to start a family 2 years ago.  Ryan and I are now putting more effort into our relationship with each other, with our friends, and with the Lord.  I can feel God working in our lives, and I know we will have our family soon.

to blog or not to blog...

I started this blog after the advice of my amazing husband.  Although it was not just a simple decision.  He thought that by talking about my experiences, it would help me emotionally.  However, I simply did not think I could do it.  Regardless, here I am to pour my heart out.  I am hoping that I will be able to write what I am unable to talk about.


Basically, the mister and I have been trying to get pregnant for over 2 years.  We have tried various medications and diets, vitamins and supplements.  You name it, we tried it.  With all of that failing us, we are making a last-ditch effort and seeking the help of a reproductive endocrinologist who believes to have the answer for what has been troubling us.


It is definitely going to take a lot of strength to break down the wall that I seem to be hiding behind.  I am still unsure about the whole blog thing, but here goes nothing!!!